A bit of a life update on this one, still revolving around my path as a witch…
Disclaimer: Still, I do not claim to be correct on any of my statements. This is my point of view for everyone to read, feel free to discuss them. “Question Everything”. Though this blog may be a bit mushy around the end, so you were warned. 🙂
Anywho, as of this last Samhain, it’s been 7 years since I first dedicated myself to my path as a witch. Not many of my point of views have changed. It’s been a while since I even blogged here, so lemme tell you what I’ve been up to for the last year or so.
This whole year has been full of group work in the circle, bringing more people in, some going out, celebrating each Sabbat with the members of the house and friends wanting to participate and learn, even be dedicated into the craft themselves so they can learn from either of us, mostly one of my roommates and I. I still stick closely to my Celtic pantheon, possibly even closer now as I find out more and more about myself.
One big thing I’ve found out about myself through working with my deities starts with the simple fact that according to lore, both of the goddesses I work with are shapeshifter Goddesses. I’ve worked with Cerridwen frequently and have also been blessed enough to have gained some insight from Lady Morrigan. How do I relate to that? No, I can’t turn into an animal. But it shows in the mundane sense – my various tastes in style, my various interests, my frequent ability to look like a ‘sir’ one day, and a princess the next. The ability to stand out but fit in at the same time. Nothing extraordinary. Good example would be how I went to a boyband concert (NKOTBSB baby) wearing my light up hair falls. You’d look at me in the crowd and go “wtf this isn’t a rave”, but then someone else would glance and say “hey she’s here to party with the few hundred of us too”.
Another way how I closely relate to my deities is how they’re both very industrious do-it-yourself women. Not really afraid to break a nail or get their hands dirty. Not afraid of the dark, or some blood. They’re not necessarily ‘dark and negative, evil, mean’ goddesses, like how the Morrigan is frequently portrayed. These Goddesses show up and they tell it to you like it is, and whether or not you can handle it is up to you. They’re not being mean. Would you be able to stomach the world’s harsh truths, or the truth about yourself and the people around you? This is what they’re here for, and no sugar-coating.
Even though I haven’t done nearly as much solo work this year, this year has definitely opened my eyes, and I’ve made a few changes for myself in the long run. For example, I’ve actually decided to seek help a few months ago mostly because I was having issues with men. Not anybody specific that I know personally, but men in general – a big one was my boyband crushes. I was actually feeling seriously guilty for some time after my NKOTBSB experience about being a lesbian and still having a thing for the guys I’ve loved since I was 6. It was Danny Wood that especially struck me good when I realized I was practically falling in love with the guy and everything he does. As much as I tried to say that “yeah I don’t like him because he’s freakin HOT”, inside I honestly did, and it kinda hurt me in the fact that I was lying to myself – something I refuse to do.
It went on and on, my Midnight Red craze rolled into effect not too much longer after, and the same situation happened with Thomas. Since seeing them open for NKOTBSB, I thought they were AMAZING, and I slowly got addicted. Then I had to pick a favorite, and it just so happened that OMG Thomas is a Taurus too?! And then he tweeted me back about it cuz he didn’t know Danny was a Taurus too. Haha.
Overall, that went on and I realized I was having a serious problem with my crushes. I went to talk to my psychologist best friend and realized my problem was a bit bigger than I thought. Me being lesbian wasn’t really just me giving up on guys alone, it was my defense mechanism just so I wouldn’t get hurt. It’s normal for the mind to do that, especially when you’ve been… REALLY hurt. Inevitably I was hurting myself after so long, and that’s why I was having such a hard time, and the fact that I couldn’t be open about my boy/man interests hurt even more. So the best solution for me was to go back to being Bi and try treating ALL guys and girls equally. Not just celebrity guy crushes + girls > actual dudes. I realized that I even broke a rule of my own advice to not give up on finding love – something I did in the process. So I felt bad for a minute, but right now I’m doing better with that and I feel like I’m in the right skin.
But after I figured out what my wall for my heart was, and now that I was putting that wall down a bit, what kind of defense did I have? Then I remembered the reason why Danny has his dragon tattoo, and it made me smile and feel so happy to be a Danny girl.
I won’t say that I know Danny is protecting me (never even met the guy yet), but it’s why part of my craft name has always been Myrna Dragonchild. I’m vulnerable and still young, but I’m still pretty tough, and I still have that mother dragon looming over me to make sure I’m okay. 🙂 I felt such a connection to Danny’s dragon, and all I know is that I think it’s safe enough for me to come back now, and I’m strong enough now to not let anybody hurt me. 🙂